From the sometimes occupied news desks of the IOTA news team, covering issues that America does not care about Two Hoots, or One IOTA!
A local man faces a hell on earth that none of us would wish on our most evil enemy… He has been just about to sneeze for two weeks!
We’ve all experienced that moment when we’re just about to sneeze and prepare ourselves. We tip our heads back a bit, squint our eyes, part our lips slightly, and raise our hands, hopefully clutching a tissue—or, as a last resort, a handy sleeve. We loosen our shoulders, roll them forward, twist our necks back and forth, perhaps bend our knees, and lean forward in preparation for the oncoming nasal detonation—and hold it!
What if nothing happens? No explosion, no expulsion of inner nose gooeyness, no mouth spittle… nothing. You just freeze in a pre-sneeze nasal stasis.
Meet Gilbert R. Hinitison, who has spent two weeks poised and ready for a crescendo that never arrives… two weeks! He walks around in the ready-to-sneeze posture for nearly 15 days.
Gilbert said he has no issues with the “Aaah”—that part works perfectly. But when he reaches the “Choo”… Nada.
Sneezing man photo from timeshighereducation.com.
Gilbert reports that he has struggled with the missing “Choo” his entire life, starting as a newborn. Hospital staff gave baby Hinitison a gratuitous, if sometimes medically necessary, slap on the backside. Instead of crying, Gilbert sneezed. He then cried as usual. Hospital logs documented that baby Gilbert produced a strong, healthy, full “Aaah” as well as “Choo.”
Somewhere along the way, he lost his ability to “Choo.”
Gilbert said he has learned to cope with the loss over the years, but endured frequent teasing at school. He tried hiring a “Choo” coach, then a stand-in “Chooer” to complete his sneeze. Nothing worked.
When he saw a psychiatrist—world-famous Ear, Nose, Throat, and Leg specialist Dr. Elvira Kin-Evel—she reportedly said, “Wow, that’s weird. I think he may be faking it to get sneeze attention.” Dr. Kin-Evel worked with Gilbert for several years but couldn’t solve the dilemma. During one of Gilbert’s long “Aaah’s,” she excused herself and later sped away from the facility. Reportedly, she checked into the world-renowned Doctor’s Psychiatric Hospital for Psychiatric Doctors in Europe.
Gilbert says this will eventually resolve itself. For now, instead of a near-orgasmic “Aaaa Choooo,” he produces a limp-wristed “A-A-A… Pewwww.”
We wish you well, Gilbert.
