Area man, Elmond Applebaum, is upset after he accidentally discovered companies are now make flavored popcorn.
This reporter literally stumbled upon Mr. Applebaum as he prepared homemade signs to hand out at protests. He expects large crowds once more people hear the news. “It’s a travesty. It truly is,” Mr. Applebaum said. “I was fine when companies started calling almond juice and soy juice milk, even though almonds and soybeans don’t contain a drop of milk. Female mammals produce milk through mammary glands after giving birth. It contains protein, fats, vitamins, minerals, and lactose so the young can grow and thrive.
Almonds and soybeans don’t have mammary glands. Go check for yourself.” After a brief pause, Elmond continued, “This is worse than when people put flowers, fruits, or vegetables in hot water and call it tea. That ain’t tea. People make tea from leaves that grow on shrubs in places like India and China.”
This reporter agrees with Elmond and didn’t feel the need to confirm that claim.
As for how this reporter encountered Mr. Applebaum, the meeting happened in an alley, where Mr. Applebaum fell out of a dumpster with his arms full of signposts he had just retrieved. This reporter had entered the alley while chasing another hot story—an exciting scoop about dumpster lids that slam too loudly. Stay tuned for that game changer.
As for this story, expect to hear much more from our popcorn protagonist as he rallies popcorn purists against what he sees as pretentious, powerful, patronizing popcorn promoters.
Stay tuned—and you might want to have a bowl of popcorn for this one.
Popcorn protagonist
