This reporter has stumbled upon yet another severe and potentially fatal national outbreak, and I suggest we contact the authorities posthaste. Yes, EOTS, otherwise known as Email and Online Tourette’s Syndrome.
Wait, no, we shouldn’t delay until posthaste. Not after haste, but we should jump on this prehaste if not before! We need to get word to the CDC!
Center for Disease Control, Not Cult of Dead Cow
And I am not referring to the infamous – or perhaps famous. I don’t know. Maybe the dreaded or possibly the non-threatening hackers known as the Cult of the Dead Cow. Although a hacker group formed in the early 1980s whose founding members included Sid Vicious, a guy named Grandmaster Ratte, and whose membership included a gentleman named Drunkfux, that was a nom de plume for Jesse Dryden, who was the son of Jefferson Airplane drummer Spencer Dryden and grandnephew of Charlie Chaplin. Drunkfux should not be confused with Drunk Fux the band. Members have included Axl Rose, Slash (3), Duff McKagan, Izzy Stradlin, Steven Adler, West Arkeen, Del James, Gilby Clarke, Matt Sorum, Lemmy, and others.
And lest we forget, in 1991, the Cult of the Dead Cow was named the “Sassiest Underground Computer Group” by the now-defunct Sassy magazine!
Center for Disease Control, Not Canadian Dairy Commission
And when I cite the CDC, I certainly am not asserting that we should report this dire circumstance with haste if not urgency or celerity, fleetness, swiftness, or even speediness to The Canadian Dairy Commission, although perchance they should be notified – as a courtesy. No, sir or ma’am. Country persons to whom I now implore. I refer to the all-knowing Centers for Disease Control. Okay, those folks who call Atlanta, Georgia, home may not be all-knowing, but they know a bunch of stuff. Well, at least until recently, now maybe never mind.Â
While researching infectious diseases, I reviewed available data and concluded that some contagious diseases—including this one—spread from person to person. Although the CDC must determine the specifics of this malady, organisms such as bacteria, viruses, fungi, or parasites cause these infectious and fractious diseases. These microbial pests often remain harmless, but in this case, I fear they have triggered a potentially severe DEFCON 5-level pestilence.
Symptoms vary, but they often include fatigue, fever, muscle aches, headaches, diarrhea, rashes, sudden vision problems, sweating, and swelling. Watch for these first signs of impending doom.
Conditions date back to the 19th Century.
This ailment dates back to the late 19th century. A French neurologist first identified it and described it as a neurological disorder marked by involuntary tics, vocalizations, and often the compulsive utterance of obscenities. Yes, folks—I refer to what that long-gone neurologist called maladie des tics. Technically, we shouldn’t call him a neurologist, since that specialty did not yet exist in the late 1800s.
Back then, they likely lacked specialized education—no Pell Grants and such. Nevertheless, Gilles de la Tourette identified what we now call Tourette’s syndrome.
Now, I have identified a new and far more socially menacing version of the syndrome.
I propose that the medical community—and the public at large—call this new menace FACETWITT EMTEXT I&AS (Facebook, Twitter, Email, and Text Incivility and Audacity Syndrome).
Initial cases appeared mild.
Like many conditions, this one started small. Early cases remained few, and most stayed mild. Over time, however, the condition went untreated, grew more severe, and spread rapidly. I trace the disorder back several years, when people first added simple frowny-face emojis to messages or responses.
As the condition advanced, those frowny faces evolved into short quips like “Really,” “Seriously,” and “You’re kidding, right?” Soon after, respondents began to capitalize everything: “REALLY,” “SERIOUSLY,” “YOU’RE KIDDING, RIGHT?” Then came the punctuation overload: “REALLY!!!??” “SERIOUSLY?!!??”
In the final stage, the afflicted can produce little more than a $@!*.
Like driving past a terrible accident or encountering a leper colony, you want to look away—but you can’t. It’s heartbreaking.
As I observed the condition worsen, I took notes on when it appeared and developed methods to quarantine or stabilize its spread. So far, my efforts have fallen short of expectations, so I now call on the entire nation. We may need a coordinated national effort to defeat and purge this menace—FACETWITT EMTEXT.
Recent reports show that the condition now includes outright cursing, self-degradation, attacks on others, and insults targeting ethnicity, culture, religion, and politics.
As the condition progresses in individuals, illogical thinking emerges. People develop delusions, suddenly recognize false gods, engage in hero worship, and believe in nonexistent facts—or deny real ones entirely. When subjects interact on Twitter, their pulse rises, and they begin to sweat as they struggle to respond coherently. I have even witnessed the verbal drool of infected respondents as they flail through replies. It is genuinely grueling to watch.
CDC—not the Cult of the Dead Cow or the Canadian Dairy Commission
As I mentioned, the CDC—not the Cult of the Dead Cow or the Canadian Dairy Commission—must determine the specifics of this contagion. I reviewed studies that link such conditions to organisms like bacteria, viruses, fungi, or parasites, and my initial research suggests a possible connection between this syndrome and prolonged exposure to insincere politicians, prime-time cable news personalities, and radio talk show hosts.
Suggested treatments include spending time with neighbors, friends, and family; making new connections; reading; watching television and movies for enjoyment; and not taking oneself too seriously. Additionally, we should not fear the future—it will arrive whether we feel ready or not.
Note: To those living with Tourette’s and those who support them: I understand that Tourette’s is not a disease and does not stem from bacteria, viruses, fungi, or parasites. I support their efforts and hope for continued progress toward effective treatments. https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/tourette/treatments.html.
