From the sometimes occupied news desks of the IOTA news team, covering issues America does not care about—Two Hoots, or One IOTA!
In a not-so-surprising move, the Supreme Court today again overturned centuries of law and precedent, overturning a law dating back to Sir Isaac Newton and gravity. The ruling states that “Henceforth, up shall be down, and down up.”
The Union of Upside Down Advocates for Standing Inverse (UPSYDASI), a splinter group of S.T.U.P.I.D.—The Society of Teachers for Up Is Down (not to be confused with the Teachers Society for Ups and Downs)—brought the case.
UPSYDASI attorneys said, “Today marks a great day for the intellectually challenged in our society, and has been a long time coming. It’s a great win.”
In a more surprising move, the court issued the decision as a 5–0 ruling rather than the customary 5–4, 6–3, 7–2, 8–1, or 9–0 split. The five right-leaning (politically right, not “correct”) judges appointed by the Federalist Society decided to have a little fun with the other jurists. While the others ate lunch, the five Federalists sneaked up the back stairs of the courthouse, locked the doors, and created some new law.
Sneaky, clever, fun-loving five
The sneaky, clever, fun-loving five then prepared to hand down additional decisions, including allowing MAGA supporters to designate official Electoral College ballots when needed; granting corporations the right to hire eight-year-olds for farm labor at half of minimum wage; permitting designated justices to accept bribes Monday through Thursday during business hours; and, finally, making the Federalist Society part of the federal government.
Those plans fell apart when Justice Sotomayor busted down the locked door with a couple of well-placed shoulder checks.
Reports say Sotomayor responded, “WTF is wrong with you people?”
The Federalist Society of Russian and American Shared Values proudly brings you these and other decisions still to come.
