From the sometimes occupied news desks of the IOTA news team, covering issues that America does not care about Two Hoots, or One IOTA!
According to Iota News, deep background sources, Scientists around the world are having wet dreams as comet c/2022 E3 (ZTF) races, incredibly, across the universe to bid us all on earth a short hello and quick goodbye. It is its first visit in fifty thousand years.
Yes, The Green Comet, after 50,000 years, has returned.
It is hard to believe, but it is true. Big Box Diaper stores around the country have seen products such as Depends, North Shore and Always flying off the shelves at an incredible rate.
“I have been in adult diapers for 35 years, and I’ve never seen such high demand, especially from the professional community, which means I have to be careful not to order too many XXX larges. The scientific community generally wears small, medium, and large sizes, especially since more women have gotten into the sciences. Many more small and medium sizes to be sure. It is truly something to behold. We received a half semi-truck load from our Atlanta warehouse just yesterday morning, and by noon, we were calling and begging for another truck.
This time I asked for a whole full truck. Gosh, yesterday we got so busy with unloading and stocking, we took off our own briefs and boxers and broke out some of those diapers ourselves.” It has really been THAT busy said twenty-five-year diaper veteran Cecil Stefanik.
On a side note, Cecil, it was revealed is no relation to Representative Elise Stefanik, who was recently appointed to serve on the Select Subcommittee on the Weaponization of the Federal Government. She is certainly making her constituents proud, taking on the most pressing issues facing her country.
And a related item: Many are wondering, and a few are hoping, that the Heaven’s Gate religious cult may be trailing the Green Comet after traveling behind Hale-Bopp for all these years, making a surprise return, so to speak.
Investigative reporting done by the Iota News investigative team has uncovered a shocking terrestrial sidebar to this inter terrestrial story. As fate would have Bob and Marlene, both members of the Heaven’s Gate Cult and known to other members as Ba and Ma, went into the city to get their haircuts (hairs cut?) and pick up an extra gallon of vodka had an issue with the cult bank card. Apparently, there had been a misunderstanding in that the account had been closed. So, Ma had called her mother to have $ 50 wired through Western Union to cover the costs of haircuts and vodka.
On follow-up, really, way back there, deep dark back cover, it has been revealed that Ma had asked Ma if she needed anything else, to which Ma had replied, “No, I’m good.” It was noted by ma that Ma had not told her anything of the cults impending Hale Bopp excursion. Ma, meaning Ma’s ma – didn’t want her real name to be used in this report.
To continue, Ba and Ma finished getting their haircuts and purchased the vodka and were excited and on their way by bus for the big doings back to Rancho Santa. Fe Rancho Santa Fe – which is Spanish for Ranch o’ Santa Fe(?). They had been on the bus for quite some time and began to discuss when it occurred to them that they had gotten on the wrong bus. Instead of heading towards the cult compound, they were headed out of San Diego and had almost arrived at the Mexican border.
Well, since they were almost in Mexico anyway, Ba and Ma decided they might as well stop and have some goodbye fajitas. Who knows what they’ll have to eat chasing Hale Bobb?
As it turned out, by the time they got back to the compound it was surrounded by police, fire, ambulances, television camera’s and reporters so they decided to just stay low, back away and ended up getting jobs at local fast food restaurants where they still are enjoying their careers to this day.
Why is it we news types always call the places cults live “compounds”? Koresh and his compound. Jones and the compound. Trump, Mar-a-Lago – which perhaps means compound in Spanish. Who knows!?!
So, we will wait along with Ba and Ma to see if by chance the Heaven’s Gate Cult is making a return trip trailing the Green Comet.
On waaay back there, deep back ground several scientific sources have said the chances of this occurring are astronomical!
Oh yeah, that comet. It’s being called the “Green Comet” for some reason or other and should be able to see it between January 31 and February 2 if you get away from the city lights – Although our deep background reporting is not sure where they are getting all these pictures of it – Officials are not anticipating any major traffic delays however.
”There is a chance that it’s broken its orbit and will never come back again ever.” said Dr. Kyle Watters of the Sacramento State planetarium – some scientist. This may be the last visit of this comet to the inner solar system.” So, if you look hard and maybe squint, you will be able to make it out. I guess.
Credit to the doctor guys quote to Sakura Gray of CBS 13 Sacramento.
